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It was just the average Tuesday night for me. I turned on the TV and put on a show that I've been watching for awhile now. It's called Teen Mom. It's one of those reality shows. It features the lives of 4 female teens who got pregnant, and the circumstances and consequences they each face. One of the teens, Catelynn, made the decision with her boyfriend, Tyler, to give up their child for adoption, mainly because their parents are addicted to alcohol and drugs and Tyler's father is in and out of jail constantly and they did not want to raise their daughter in that kind of environment. Catelynn's mother is married to Tyler's father. If you can understand all of this, you will realize that that makes Catelynn and Tyler stepbrother and stepsister. Another teen couple, Maci and Ryan, have broken up since the birth of their child and are fighting over custody, although they seem to be the most mature of all the couples and are trying to negotiate and work through their problems to co-parent. Another teen named Farrah, is a single mother, due to the fact that her child's father died in an accident. There have been heated fights witnessed on camera between Farrah and her mother and Farrah's mother was recently arrested for suspicion of domestic abuse against her daughter. They are both going to counseling and therapy. The reason I am writing all of this, though, is because of the fourth teen. Her name is Amber. She and her boyfriend Gary have been raising their daughter Leah. They have an off and on relationship and it is severely toxic and unsettling. Tonight, as I watched, I felt as though I was witnessing a crime and I became very uncomfortable. Amber is very aggressive and has a horrible temper. She curses constantly, seems to be resentful of having a child and she is always screaming at her boyfriend, Gary, in front of the child. The reason I am concerned is because on tonight's episode, Amber screams and yells at Gary, inches away from his face, in front of their daughter, which is nothing new. But then Amber starts to slap Gary in his face, slap his arms, kick him, push him and ultimately, punches Gary in the face and body. This is domestic abuse. It is wrong and illegal. If it was the other way around and Gary was screaming, cursing and slapping and punching Amber, it would be on every news channel, on all the magazines and Gary would be in jail. I am shocked and appaled that this young woman is abusing her boyfriend and is doing this not only in front of the cameras and those watching the show, but in front of their young daughter. As I watched, I noticed Amber getting more hostile, frustrated and ultimately, abusive. Gary just stands there while she is pounding away on him, asking her to stop. Not once did he lift a hand to her or curse at her. As he was leaving, she threw his belongings, including a TV and other personal items of his, down the stairway. And as he was leaving down the steps, she kicked his back. How is this ok? Why is this girl getting paid to be on a television show while she is clearly domestically assaulting her boyfriend? Why is she allowed to do this in front of her child? How come nothing is being done? Again, if the roles were reversed, it would be all over the news and Gary would be villified and likely, in jail. Is there a double standard when it comes to a woman beating or abusing a man? I began worrying about the safety of their daughter, Leah, and the damage that is being done. Leah has seen and heard enough. This was not the first time Amber had beaten Gary. While Gary is big in girth and size, does that make it ok to slap, kick, punch and threaten him? I don't think so. I am very worried for little Leah and I think something needs to be done! By the way, this was not the first time that Amber has done this to Gary. It has happened on other episodes, but this particular night was the most abusive Amber has ever been. It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman committing the violence. It just so happens in this case, it is the woman doing the abuse. I was almost in tears thinking of the effects that this will have on Leah. She has seen it before. And if nothing is done to stop this, it will happen again. I know what effects this can have on a child. I know because I once was in Leah's shoes...and witnessed my mother being abused.
Domestic violence on a reality show...
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- Public Discussion (74)
Jersey I think you know how I feel about men abusing women...but when a woman does what this young lady did....it ain't right, no matter how you slice it. Abuse is abuse, and IMO, this is what hurts all women. "Well she hit me first!", "She started it". Pardon my French, but this is seven kinds of BULLSH*T. I know some people like reality shows, I'm not one of them, some of them are real stupid...this one is just plain sick.
Sorry. :-(
- 8 votes
#2 - Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:46 AM EDTI guess that's why I don't do a lot of t.v. anymore. How can they produce this, air it, and no repercussions about it? Like you say, there's a cameraman there filming the whole thing. But you're right, that baby needs to be taken away from her, and something done to the mother, the producers, the cameraman. This is just sick.
- 8 votes
IMO, that's what people want, and the producers know that. It's just getting worse and worse. Probably why I don't watch that much of it. It seems that we have evolved to the point that this is what we'd rather watch. Ok, so I'm old, but I really miss when there were shows worth watching WITH the family. I'm scared now to let the grand kids watch anything, normally go and get movies. *sigh* Sign of the times I guess.
- 4 votes
i would not be surprised to learn if the producers told her to be either abusive to begin with or more abusive and for gary to take it all for the sake of the all-mighty dollar. ratings are all what it's about. just sad that nobody called the police about this after watching.
- 4 votes
You might have a point. A lot of these "violent" scenes on reality TV are totally false.
However, I agree with Jersey Girl that this is harmful for the child, even if it is faked. Where is child services? When children are on a set, a child advocate should be on the set for the filming. That's how its done in filming for other TV. Can't imagine why it would be different for a reality show.
But then there didn't seem to be on Kate and Jon. I don't watch reality TV, but there were media accounts of charges that they'd been reported to CPS for breaking the laws regarding their kids on the sets.
If they aren't on these sets, they should be and the law needs to be changed if it doesn't require it.
- 7 votes
As far as I'm concerned, forcing those kids to live with cameras is abuse all by itself. There is nothing normal about that. And think about what has to happen when they're old enough to go to school. Every kid and every parent is going to know the intimate details of their life. How is that fair to the kids? Kids have a hard enough time trying to figure out how to maintain friends at school and having to face bullying. This is an added stress they don't need.
- 4 votes
i saw about 15 min of john and kate and was disgusted. dont like 19 and counting either.
- 2 votes
My concern is the abuse she might be doing to that child. The idiots holding the cameras should have stepped in and done something but why ruin a good fight scene. (sigh)
- 4 votes
#3 - Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:52 AM EDTIn all due respect;
I still come to read Jerseygirl...Just a Quarry???? What was it you said to me about "only uplifting Articles that made people happy" did I miss in this article? and how do you perceive the difference between this one and "that other" article? Just different people being beat up is all I can see.
- 5 votes
I guess it is a subjective opinion on how one looks at what you do and what others do...in all due respect you have a somewhat myopic viewing process. That is just my opinion...not a hostile opinion. just an opinion. Sorry you feel you need to shout about your opinions..WOW,I am sorry you are feeling that way.
- 2 votes
I would telephone or write the show's producers and tell them exactly what you've told us. I imagine they were doing everything possible to egg the fight on for good TV viewing. Or perhaps, on the next episode Amber will be arrested. But I would let them know that you won't hesitate to call CPS on the show itself if the producers cannot get things under control. I'm glad you noticed what was going on. DV against men by women is not as common as DV against women by men, so the show's staff may not even be aware that this is wrong.
- 6 votes
Poor little Leah. Is there any chance that they are filming these violent shots when she's not in the room?
- 5 votes
I agree with Holly on this, a letter to the show would be a good idea. You might even mention this article with a link so they can see there are others that feel the same way.
I hardly see where carp like this is even worthy of being aired. Hopefully as Holly mentions the child isn't in the room during shooting, but as you say even the yelling and such is wrong.
- 6 votes
Hate to cut in but just found this, and thought you'd be interested:
http://entertainment.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978565136
- 1 vote
Glad they are investigating. They can determine if it was real or not. If it was real, it is domestic violence and (depending upon their laws) child endangerment.
- 3 votes
cajun good to hear i sent an email to the advocacy abuse place. because i was so disturbed by the whole thing. even if it was staged and not real, doing that in front of the child is bad.
- 2 votes
I'm sure the show will do whatever it takes to be able to keep filming her and her family situation. If they're bright, they'll encourage her to get counseling, etc. and work with the system to get beyond whatever the problem is.
This could work out good for her in the long run because she could find out about programs that can help her in many ways, perhaps get help paying for things that create the stress that causes abuse, and help her to get into a healthier life with or without her SO.
- 2 votes
Just watched that episode from the link above...with the sound off because I didn't want to hear that idiot girl ranting. This is indeed criminal behavior, and I hope that the self absorbed little b!tch is charged with assault. I think she should also be investigated for child abuse as well. In one scene she picked her daughter up roughly by her wrists a couple of times, as well as go after her b'friend in a threatening manner while he was holding their daughter. You would what this mother's behavior is like off camera.
Also, not sure if anyone else caught this but when the father put the baby in his van, he seemed to place her in the front seat...had to play it a few times and it appeared to me that he was placing her in her car seat in the front passenger side.
It's unbelievable to me that the producers would air this. How can they not be held criminally responsible for harm done to the child in the process of filming this show? And how much do they exacerbate this already volitile situation by giving that moron a TV show?
Having come from an abusive family myself, I have a VERY hard time watching this kind of conflict, (staged or not), without feeling myself go into survival mode...and it's been over 30 years since I left home! It's just disgusting.
- 3 votes
we can always hope that Amber can change...you have to wonder if she came from an abusive home herself. You're right Jerseygirl, you never forget...and I'm sorry for you as well. There is nothing more frightening for a child than to watch one of your parents in a rage and losing control.
I'm an optimist though...anyone is redeemable. My father and I made our peace before he died. He came from an abusive home too...and so it goes. Luckily, I broke the abuse cycle with my own kids, and although I had some scary close calls, they're emotionally healthy. I don't think they're likely to end up in an abusive relationship...especially my youngest...she don't take no s*&^ from ANYONE! : )
- 2 votes
Even more reality shows in the headlines today. It seems a chef who appeared on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares show has killed himself and a woman who appeared on Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen show, also committed suicide a few years ago. Not to mention the show Megan Wants A Millionaire, where one of the contestants killed his wife, dismembered her and dumped her body in a suitcase and then killed himself. It's a little scary.
- 5 votes
#5 - Thu Sep 30, 2010 1:39 AM EDTThe media are trying to imply that it was gordon's fault rather then he was deeply in debt and the wife was just concerned about losing her house.
- 2 votes
I've seen a few episodes of the show and have an idea of the scene you have portrayed.
Recently I have asked similar questions.
Is there a double standard when it comes to a woman beating or abusing a man?
or when is it appropriate to intervene and how?
Last week I asked one of my co-workers how he got the cut and bruise under his eye. He flat out said his wife did it. He felt he had it coming evidently. This is not the 1st time he's attributed bruising or scratches to fights with his wife. Another male co-worker is separated from his wife (again) after she physically abused him.
I'm just dumbfounded as to how this happens and feel terrible about it.
- 4 votes
#6 - Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:49 AM EDTI keep trying to make sense of it. I wonder if it has to do with the husband's expectations or their wives upbringing. Of course, I don't know and probably never will.
When we try to help women get out of abusive situations the size/strength difference could be emphasized and then the situation could be placed it in a fairness context. "He can't do that to you ... it's not fair" That won't fly in these situations so there is a different standard.
- 4 votes
and you should report it. one day they can and will go too far.
- 2 votes
It's never right. It doesn't matter who is hitting whom, domestic violence is unacceptable at any level.
I've had my boss take me aside to quietly ask about some bruises I was sporting... and I had to confess, yeah, my husband put them there, and quickly explain, "No, no... Martial arts class, I zigged, he zagged, I got tagged, it happens." I now keep pictures on my phone of the events we do, and of us both on the field fighting, saves having that conversation.
- 3 votes
cookin mama - report to who or what? Not that it's a bad idea but how?
Is it appropriate for a co-worker, without consent, to intervene in the personal life of another employee? Under these circumstances I don't know.
Even if I knew how to report it all I could do is supply my third hand story and familiarity with what they do at work. I don't even have the home addresses of these guys. I don't know who their wives are or where to find them.
I would not want to jepordize my employment for what another employee may feel is a breach of their privacy. What if they called me a liar and made a stink at work?
- 2 votes
the local police dept or child services for that place she lives in, i checked the website and it list the hometown.
if i knew there names i would call the police and tell them what i know and leave the rest up to them.
jmo
- 2 votes
Call the hotline and tell them your concerns, including your concerns about your employment. They can keep you name confidential.
There is a national hotline you can call:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 (24 hours a day)
thehotline.org/
- 5 votes
I now keep pictures on my phone of the events we do, and of us both on the field fighting, saves having that conversation.
Rainkiss, I don't get your comment. Are you serious about the martial arts thing or is that a cover?
- 1 vote
She's serious about martial arts, that's why she has bruises and is tired of people thinking her husband is a batterer, so she keeps photos of their work-outs and meets. A picture is worth a thousand words.
- 3 votes
Oh, ok...thanks for clearing that up!
Was a li'l confused there, lots of things that went through my mind....!
Mistook 'zagged' as 'zapped', and hence, taser being brought in...made it even more complicated!
And when it said 'field', I'm like thinking something army like, being in a militia or something, apart from a martial arts Dojo...and taking pictures of 'bruises' (instead of thinking of the events) just to avoid conversation......!
Yup...I lost all comprehension on that one, sorry.....!
- 2 votes
LOL. We all do that from time to time. I happen to have seen her writing about it before, so it wasn't new to me.
- 3 votes
Wow...there seriously does need to be an intervention...the reality TV cast can't simply just document this as another episode for ratings....they are witnessing domestic abuse. That family needs serious help, protection and counceling, and that reality TV production crew needs to be reprimanded.
- 1 vote
#7 - Thu Sep 30, 2010 10:10 PM EDTWe have outdone the Roman gladiators by getting the unfortunate to sell their privacy and dignity (what they have of it) for money just to sate the perverted voyeurism of people who would've been watching "wrestling" and roller derby fifty years ago. The promoters are like vultures, allowing people to commit crimes on camera, while psychologically assaulting a little child. When Amber gets tired of punching Gary or he finally clears out, the horrible chances are that she will turn upon her daughter as well. The producers of that show should be criminally charged as accessories, before and after the fact, Gary should be granted sole custody (if he can and will), and Amber should be charged for domestic assault & battery and endangering a child, and tossed into jail and/or anger counseling.
I though Maury was bad. I still think that child "beauty contests" are child abuse, forcing kids to live out their parents' fantasies and insecurities while stressed and exhausted. The Leering Channel should be pressured washed of most of its intrusive and purient content; they are about Learning no more. But, this program you've described is the worst, and the others pale next to it.
- 3 votes
#8 - Fri Oct 1, 2010 10:34 PM EDTtoddlers and tiaras OMG are you freaking kidding me, dressing them up to look like mini hoares. WTF.
- 2 votes
it used to be the learning channel now it is more like the smut channel.
- 2 votes
Thank you for that information, Loretta. If people need that information for themselves or know someone being abused and want to stay anonymous, that information should help them feel more comfortable reporting it. Thanks for posting that. :)
- 3 votes
#9 - Sun Oct 3, 2010 6:20 PM EDTI wish everyone knew about the hotline. There is so much they can offer: local agencies, advice, information, etc.
The more we know, the better we'll do as a society.
- 3 votes
Hi Jerseygirl,
I haven't been able to read your other articles lately but will catch up.
This is an awesome article that you wrote. It reminded me of a lot of things going on in society. Kids are exposed to so much aggression. I've never seen the show. The one I watch every now and then is Toddlers and Tiaras. It's a shame the girls are taught to perform and become so aggressive with each other. I think their moms need the girls to win for them. Maybe they're living through the children. And there are the pervs hanging around.. they never show that side of course. Look what happened to Jon Benet Ramsey...
It's all a mess and I hate to think what these kids are going to do to society when let lose out on the streets.
Sorry for ranting here. But great job!
- 4 votes
#10 - Sun Oct 3, 2010 8:41 PM EDTYes, great article Jerseygirl. You bring up some great points and were apparently right on the money to be concerned about this as it's now being investigated.
Off topic, but speaking of Jon Benet Ramsey...I just saw that they've opened up the case again and are speaking with her older brother, (who is now 23). So sad...that little girl would have been 20 yrs old now.
- 2 votes
jerserygirl, i heard on inside edition that the police are investigating because of viewers complaints.
- 2 votes
#11 - Mon Oct 4, 2010 3:09 PM EDTI'm starting to see it covered on the news, but as far as I know, nothing was done to Amber (the young woman punching/kicking/slapping her baby's father) and she has not been asked to go to counseling, anger management nor has she been charged with abuse/assault. I don't want her to suffer, I just want her to learn and grow from this and fix things before something serious really happens. She's lucky she did not get her child taken away. I think some would agree if it were the other way around and Gary punched/kicked/slapped Amber, he would be in jail, no questions asked and he would have probably lost parental rights. Now Amber is dating someone new...with a criminal background. While it's fine to date a "bad boy", she should exercise caution, especially since she has a very young baby girl.
- 2 votes
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